


Never Have I Ever

by Amuly



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Drinking, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 03:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29802141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amuly/pseuds/Amuly
Summary: There's no way four immortals could "win" at Never-Have-I-Ever when Nile is playing with them. After all, there's so much life experience they've got that she's never had. ...Right?
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 40
Kudos: 299





	Never Have I Ever

**Author's Note:**

> CW for a mention of a non-consensual kiss--one that was received in good humor, but still.

“Never have I ever kissed a girl,” said Nile. Andy and Booker immediately drank, while Joe took a hit on his pipe. Nicky hesitated until Joe tapped the bottom of his drink:

“If you have to ask-”

“Okay, okay,” Nicky agreed, taking two drinks.

But now of course Nile was curious, so she asked: “What were you going to say?”

“Well, it depends on if you distinguish between ‘kissing’ and ‘being kissed.’”

Nile scrunched up her face. “You mean in a thousand years-”

“Please,” Nicky says, placing a hand over his heart as if he were wounded. “Nine hundred.”

“Nine hundred years,” Nile corrects herself, rolling her eyes gleefully as she did, “You never willingly kissed a girl? _Never_? Not even as part of a, a job, or something?”

“I don’t like languages, my accent is…” Nicky tilted his hand back and forth, “So if there is charming and talking to be done, it is Joe.”

“But you _never_?” Nile found that hard to believe. What about sleeping with someone besides Joe? Or just making out at the club? In _nine hundred_ years?! What about like, threesomes or something? Surely him and Joe got their freak on at some point, right?

_Nine hundred years!!_

“Wait, have you ever-” Nile started, about to ask. But Joe tutted and wagged his finger at her.

“End turn. Booker, you go.”

Booker glanced over at Nile and smirked.

“What were you going to ask?” he asked her.

“If he ever kissed _anyone_ beside Joe,” Nile complained.

Booker thought about it for a second. Then he shook his head. “I can’t figure out how to ask that in a way I haven’t done.”

“Never have I ever kissed- no, wait, he kisses Joe. Never have I ever had a threesome?” Nile mused. Booker winced.

“I, ah. Can’t say that.”

Nile’s eyes widened. Oh, well, shit: good job, Booker. She kinda thought… since his wife… But it had been two hundred plus years, and he couldn’t have spent it all lying on a couch drinking spirits from a flask, could he?

Nicky sighed. “I am, how do they say it now: very gay.”

“And a priest, before the Crusades,” Joe pointed out. “Not a lot of girls to kiss.”

Nile tilted her head at Joe. “Are you gay?”

“You mean exclusively?” he asked, and duh, yeah: she knew him and Nicky slept together, _obviously_. Nile nodded, and Joe looked to Nicky, silent communication practically visible as it traveled between them. Eventually he shrugged: “I love Nicky. I long for no one else, I have eyes for no other. As Nicky said, if a job ever requires charming, I am often chosen for the job—though Booker, the last hundred, hundred fifty years, has charmed his share of marks.”

Booker tilted his head in acknowledgement of the compliment and held his glass up in a toast.

“Before Nicky, there were men for sex, and women to court, but I was unmarried when my Nicky appeared on the sands before me, and since then there has been no other.” He shrugged. “Sexuality was not… as it is, now. Women were not… available, like they are now. Not just for sex, but for companionship outside the home. You could not share travel, war, business with them like you could a man. That is not to say women were any lesser, but their social expectations…” Yusuf shook his head. “It was different. So, when you looked for sexual release, it was at the hands of your friends and companions: other men. And when you looked for a marriage, you looked to women. But then my Nicolo came to me, and he was everything, and more besides: companion, partner, spouse, lover, shield brother. It… I did not know such a person existed. And I do not think another one does, for me. There is only Nicky.”

“I am just very gay,” Nicky joked, leaning against Joe’s side. He sighed as he rested his head on Joe’s shoulder. “The first time we stripped down to bathe and I saw his broad shoulders, his lean, tanned back: ah.” He patted Joe’s thigh and sighed again. “I said to myself: this man, I must have him. He will be mine.”

Everyone else was snickering at this, so Nile _knew_ Nicky was fucking with her, she just couldn’t figure out _how_. Maybe he thought Joe was ugly for a long time? Or maybe he was repressed—Catholic priest and all that, right? In Medieval times? No way he was ready to jump Joe’s bones so fast.

But before she could ask another question Andy grumbled and banged her bottle of vodka against the table. “You guys are terrible at this game. Come on: Booker. Ask a question.”

“Fine. Never have I ever died by electrocution.”

Joe grumbled and took a hit from his pipe. Andy proudly drank from her bottle of vodka.

It was Joe’s turn, now. He sighed and drummed his fingers as he thought. Finally he snapped his fingers and poked at Nicky. “Sorry, love,” he apologized preemptively. “Never have I ever had communion.”

Nicky and Booker took a drink. Nile hesitated. “You mean like, the little Catholic wafers, or-”

“Drink!” Andy told her. She leaned over and tapped at Nile’s beer. Nile groaned and took two drinks. She _had_ to ask, didn’t she?

“Well, I had like, the bread my church serves. But it’s not the special wafers the Catholics got.”

As they discussed this, Nicky was plotting against Joe’s side. He suddenly sat up and declared: “Never have I ever had ‘deep dish’ pizza.”

Nile’s jaw dropped right to the floor. How?! _How_?! If he wasn’t _aware_ of it—if he’d never _heard_ of it, because he was an old Italian man, well, Nile would _understand_ that. But he’d heard of it! And he’d never even _tried_ it?!

Nile took a swig of her beer _with prejudice_ , glaring at Nicky the whole time. No one else in the group drank. Nile waved her hands.

“ _None_ of you?!”

They shrugged. Nile stomped her foot.

“We’re changing this. It’s happening. Y’all are getting deep dish before this decade is out.”

“Never have I ever fallen down a well,” Andy said, staring straight at Joe. He groaned and took a pull on his pipe. Nile stared at him until he defended himself, explaining:

“It was _hidden_. It was ground level, covered in rotted away boards, grown over in grass. I was running from _enemy fire, Andy_. Could’ve happened to any of us.”

“Yeah… but it happened to you,” Andy smirked.

“I once died being thrown from a horse,” Nicky commented. It took Nile a second, but then she realized he was saying that so Joe wouldn’t feel singled out in embarrassing deaths. Nile grinned.

“Okay, time out. New game. Most embarrassing death. Booker: go.”

Booker winced and rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah… alcohol poisoning?”

Nile scowled. “That’s not embarrassing: that’s depressing. Come on: you must have something funny.”

“Most… most my ‘funny’ deaths involve alcohol,” Booker admitted. He squinted up at the sky. “Once I got into a normal car accident. Wasn’t wearing my seatbelt, thrown through the windshield. Definitely died, but no one saw me before I came back, so I was able to just write it off as a ‘miracle’ to the bystanders.”

“Shot myself in the head a few times for a traveling circus,” Andy said, thinking. Nile gaped. “Is that really embarrassing though? Or just stupid?”

“Both,” Joe and Booker said at the same time.

Then Joe snapped his fingers and pointed at Booker. “The Nazi kid.”

Nile glanced over to Booker who was grimacing, leaning back as he unscrewed the cap of his whiskey bottle. “ _Merde_ , that’s right. He must’ve been… seven? Six?”

“Hitler youth,” Joe explained to Nile. “Used children as bait. Booker thought he was helping a scared little Jewish kid, and then the kid led him back to… well.”

“That’s not _embarrassing_ , that’s horrible!” Nile complained. “They used a _kid_ to-” She gasped as a terrible thought rose in her mind. “Did you _kill_ him?”

“Nah,” Booker said, prompting a relieved sigh from Nile. “Killed the adults. Took the kid and dropped him off with some nuns. Hopefully they kept him out of trouble.”

Nicky shifted uncomfortably and Joe shot him a sympathetic look. Nile wondered if nun schoolteachers were even a _thing_ back in the Middle Ages. They’d have to be educated to teach, right? And were women even like, _allowed_ to learn math back then??

“Who wants to tell Nile their worst death?” Andy asked with a smirk.

“Uh, who wants to _not_ ,” Nile replied before anyone could start. Joe had actually opened his mouth, the weirdo. She pointed at Andy. “It’s your turn anyway. Come on: Never Have I Ever.”

“Never have I ever kissed Joe,” Andy said quickly, easily.

“It’s not her turn, it’s Nile’s!” Booker protested.

But Nile was _into_ this now. “Wait, _what_?!”

“Never have I ever kissed Joe,” Andy repeated. And, turn or no, Nicky was raising his glass and cheersing at Booker across the circle.

“Yes you have,” Booker grumbled, but he still lifted his glass to his mouth.

“With tongue.”

Nile waved her hands. “Oh come on! Tell me!”

“Booker was very, very drunk,” Andy explained.

“It’s all _your_ fault,” Booker told her, like that was a defense.

“Andy and Booker had a bet about Nicky,” Joe continued the thread. “About who could make him lose his temper first.”

“I am very zen,” Nicky said, with a completely straight face. When Nile stared at him in confusion Nicky broke, grinning and snorting to himself. He shrugged. “Or, maybe not that. Maybe stoic? There is not much point in getting mad over most things. Either you can do something about it, so you do, or you can’t, so there’s no point in being mad.”

“‘God grant me the serenity,’ and all that,” Nile observed. Nicky beamed.

“Yes! Exactly.”

“Never liked that much,” Nile grumbled. “Mom gave me a cross with that prayer on it, after my dad died. It always felt like… like giving up. Like, did Rosa Parks know she could change shit for black folks? Or even Doctor King—do you think he knew how _much_ he could change? Or how much he couldn’t? Seems like if you think things can’t change, you just lie down and accept them.”

“Well, that’s what that ‘wisdom’ part is about,” Nicky pointed out. Nile huffed, but the guy _was_ nine hundred years old. He probably maybe had some more of that wisdom than she did.

“I did not win the bet,” Booker pointed out. “Nicky figured I was up to something.” Booker glanced at him. “Though I think I came pretty close.”

“Joe did not want to kiss you,” Nicky said, hint of darkness in the way his brow lowered over his eyes. “And yet you kissed him anyway. It was that that I objected to.”

“Shit kisser, anyway,” Joe said with good humor.

“I was drunk.”

“Still.”

“And _very_ sorry.”

“If you do that to me I’ll cut you,” Nile felt the need to assert. “Somewhere it’s gonna seriously hurt to grow back. Just for the record.”

Booker looked absolutely miserable, shaking his head, and Andy reached over to squeeze Nile’s shoulder.

“Never,” Andy told her. “You’re safe here. It was a stupid bet, but Booker wouldn’t have even tried it on Joe if he didn’t know Joe would…”

Joe laughed and nodded: “Take it as flattery and not offense?”

“Exactly,” Andy said

“Okay, my turn again!” Nile tapped at her glass. “Never-have-I-Ever had a threesome!”

Everyone drank (or smoked, in Joe’s case). Nile shouted “Ah-ha!” and pointed at Nicky and Joe. “See! I _knew_ you weren’t just kissing each other!”

“I just said I never kissed any women,” Nicky reminded her.

“Sure, but _Joe_ was making out like he was… Nicky-sexual.”

Joe grinned. “I like that! Nicky-sexual!”

“Was it anyone _famous_?” Nile pleaded, eyes big. “Wait! Was it with both of you or was it _separate_?!”

“Oh no,” Nicky shook his head. “What is the point of sharing someone if not with Joe?”

“Gross. Shoulda figured you’d say that,” Nile complained.

“I don’t think we’ve ever slept with anyone famous?” Joe mused, looking at Nicky. “Artists and poets. Scholars. Perhaps they’ve left behind works, but no names you’d know, I don’t think. History is vast, and deep. So many people have done so many wonderful things, and you could likely find records of them or their work today, but ‘famous’ is an entirely more narrow criterion.”

“Cary Grant and Randolph Scott,” Andy said. “Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy.”

Nile squinted at her. “I’ve heard of Katharine Hepburn. From like, an SNL sketch.”

Andy tsked and thought some more. “Anne Bonny and Calico Jack.”

Those names didn’t ring any bells. Wait: “Anne Bonny was… a pirate, right?”

Andy sighed and lifted her vodka bottle to her mouth. “What are they teaching you kids in schools these days?”

“Ah, no one famous,” Booker said when Nile pointed at him. “Just some nice women after V-E Day. Good times had by all.”

“Cheng and Ching Shih!” Andy said, slapping her knee. Nile stared at her. Andy stared back, waiting. When Nile didn’t say anything Andy growled and leaned back. “A pirate _queen_ , and you haven’t heard of her.”

“Ooo, what about Shakespeare!” Nile asked. Joe and Nicky snickered.

“He tried,” Joe said. Nile gasped.

“But Andy rejected him?”

“Not me…” Andy said with a smirk. She looked at Nicky. Joe was also looking at Nicky. Nile put one and one together.

“ _Nicky_?! You turned down _Shakespeare_?!”

“I don’t _think_ he wanted to sleep with me,” Nicky explained. “He just… enjoyed the _possibility_.”

“There are sonnets,” Joe stated, maybe too proudly for talking about someone trying to hit on his boyfriend. Husband. Lover? Whatever.

“Wait, wait: so who’s the _most_ famous person any of you have ever slept with?” Nile asked, looking between them.

But then Booker sat up and lifted his glass. “Nope. You already had yours. My turn.”

Andy raised her eyebrows. “Booker’s just jealous Charles de Gaulle liked me better than him.”

Nile squinted. “…the airport guy.”

Booker put his face in his hands. “ _Oh putain_.”

“Go, Booker. Before Nile convinces us to wage war on the American education system,” Andy ordered him.

“Never have I ever…” Booker mused, holding his glass at the base, balanced up on his fingerpads, spinning it this way and that. “Never have I ever… killed a priest.”

“Yikes,” Nile muttered as Andy and Nicky took a drink while Joe took a hit from his pipe. Nicky pressed his hand on top of Joe’s thigh.

“It was very early on,” Nicky explained. “When the men I marched on Jerusalem with turned their swords on myself and my unusual companion.”

“After, of course, you turned your sword _away_ from me,” Joe reminded him. He nudged his shoulder teasingly into Nicky’s, forcing a little smile from him. Then Joe raised his pipe. “Okay! My turn! Never have I ever served in an army… before my first death.”

The entire room drank. Joe did a little victory shimmy. Nile had to give him credit: he was pretty good at this. It had to be hard for the immortals to come up with shit they’d never done but _she_ might have-

“Never have I ever had McDonalds,” Nicky said promptly.

“Oh come on!”


End file.
